I am married and secretly bi. I have been fucking men for years…something about watching my cock sink into a hairy hole, the look on his face (I always keep them on their back, legs over my shoulders for the initial plunge) as I break past the outer sphincter for the first time, makes me understand that sex is about dominance more than pleasure. But one time, just once..I was besotted with another man – there was an emotional connection built up over a decade of random meetings and seemingly fate-crossed paths. He brought all my suppressed curiosity about what a bottoms feels, to the surface. He made me want to take his cock inside me – as an act of commitment to the infatuation I had for him. He was handsome, masculine, accomplished (well known in the NYC arts scene) and he let me top him first. How could I say “no”. It was the first and last time I ever bottomed. The fear, the intense pleasure born of a brief, initial pain and the spontaneous hands free orgasm was too much for me to bear psychologically and emotionally. He suggested for my first time that I get on top so that I could control how much of his 7″ went into me. It was a good suggestion, more so because I wanted some control over my anus being vaginalized. The first push back, his head slipping past my relaxed sphincter was incredible. I felt for a moment “this is easy..I can do this”.. and the tender smile on his manly mug, made me feel like “yeah..take it for him”. So I pushed down more. The feeling of thick cock going into your colon is like a reverse shit – its scary because you don’t want to associate getting fucked with defecation, but it flickers across your mind “oh no..is this gonna be a mess?..)

But in for a penny, in for pound I passed the point of no return and banished the thought of mess and concentrated on the event – I was taking a man I wanted to please so badly, into my ass. I was becoming a vessel for his pleasure. My job was to make him cum. To empty his balls into the condom that my guts were massaging. I took it all the way in and I pulled off, and then back down. What I did not expect or even think about, was how good it felt when his fat cock head pressed against my prostate. Oh fuck! Oh fuck! OH FUCK! my cock throbbed twitched and started shooting cum all over his chest. I was only about 75% hard. What the fuck just happened? His huge smile and laugh was nice to see – but a new fear overtook me. I was a bottom. I was a man who deeply enjoyed the feeling of another’s man’s dick inside me, fucking me, owning me, bitching me out…all the things I felt about the men I triumphantly fucked with my dick were now applied to me. What the fuck was I gonna do with this psychological mess? I didn’t want to be a bottom! I hopped off his still hard dick and said I couldn’t take anymore. I put my bottom fears in a box for later review and went to work eating my cum off of his chest while I took of the condom (It was clean!) and then gave him a blowjob with a zeal that I didn’t expect to have after cumming so hard – but I needed to make the aborted fuck up to him. I took every drop of his seed down my throat and fell asleep in his arms for 45 minutes. I didn’t want to discuss how it felt with him, I didn’t know what I wanted to admit to, but felt that I wanted to protect myself until I sorted out my feelings. I decided I couldn’t be a bottom. Never again. It felt too good. I can admit to strangers here that my homosexual side needs to be wrapped in being the top. I am not brave enough nor honest enough to be a bottom. Plus wouldn’t my doctor know, during my annual prostate exam that my rectum had been wrecked a few times more than a married man’s should? We broke it off after a month – He didn’t want to be responsible for my emotional trauma over falling in love with a man. He was very wise. I do not mentally revisit that first & last fuck often – it is NOT in my spank bank. I do enjoy watching porn with masculine men getting fucked and loving it, I can identify with the top and the bottom. I know I am denying a lot, including myself or great pleasure. I’m just brave enough to be a coward.


I ordinarily do not care to comment on other’s sexual zeal, but this “conversation” with himself and the world, by Rob, is simply divine! It’s not unlike being in a great sexually charged hurricane… thoughts and more thoughts, and inner desires and past occurrences fly round and round in his “verse” – I cannot think of anything else to describe, what is to me, a vast poem of desire, use of one’s body, use of ones innermost sexual urges and connections to another man, to become that man, to become a part of orgasms which shatter the mind and body. Well done, Rob, well done. I sit here, after reading your treatise, having left a state of hard desire (yes that is how it should be described, and now slowly returning to an softened ignited desire to do as you did! A desire, unfortunately, that is no longer able to be used for an end to its true purpose. All GAY MEN should read this and then delve deeper into their own desires to see what the truest quest of that desire is!

Bravo, Rob, bravo~~~

Richard Anthony

12 thoughts on “A Fucking Coward?

  1. There is nothing more intense than *really* letting go and feeling a cock penetrate your hole.
    But you need to be fully relaxed mentally.
    Forgetting about roles- masculine/feminine (btw it is the MOST masculine thing to surrender to another man), preconceived notions (it’s wrong).. forget about it all and just focus on opening and feeling the motions.
    When you are fully relaxed every vein and contour of his cock will make you roll your eyes back in pleasure…
    Open up to cock. And it will open you.

  2. I believe Rob if you have a itch scratch it ,no therapy isn’t needed you just a man to have some good hard sex ,that’s all and if I was your lover, I would have you and outside guys and more you but you need more love that’s all

  3. Hi Rob
    I loved your witness .. i have been like you i denied i was the active and now i am too old to live my life again and trying to discover lone anal pleasure .. with dildo
    Enjoy your youth enjoy manhood deep inside you , and do the same to others love is giving and receiving eplore your sensual possibilities when will be too late no regrets

    1. Theo: Wonderful and so very thoughtful response ~ I loved this “witnessing” it made me think of my own sex life – nil – to put it mildly, but life does proceed even if our sex life does not. Thank you! It comes to each of us in some way… “too old to live our life again!” Well put! RA.

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