I am married and secretly bi. I have been topping men for years…something about watching my cock sink into a hairy hole, the look on his face (I always keep them on their back, legs over my shoulders for the initial plunge) as I break past the outer sphincter for the first time, makes me understand that sex is about dominance more than pleasure. But one time, just once..I was besotted with another man – there was an emotional connection built up over a decade of random meetings and seemingly fate-crossed paths. He brought all my suppressed curiosity about what a bottoms feels, to the surface. He made me want to take his cock inside me – as an act of commitment to the infatuation I had for him. He was handsome, masculine, accomplished (well known in the NYC arts scene) and he let me top him first. How could I say “no”. It was the first and last time I ever bottomed. The fear, the intense pleasure born of a brief, initial pain and the spontaneous hands free orgasm was too much for me to bear psychologically and emotionally. He suggested for my first time that I get on top so that I could control how much of his 7″ went into me. It was a good suggestion, more so because I wanted some control over my anus being vaginalized. The first push back, his head slipping past my relaxed sphincter was incredible. I felt for a moment “this is easy..I can do this”.. and the tender smile on his manly mug, made me feel like “yeah..take it for him”. So I pushed down more. The feeling of thick cock going into your colon is like a reverse shit – its scary because you don’t want to associate getting fucked with defecation, but it flickers across your mind “oh no..is this gonna be a mess?..)

But in for a penny, in for pound I passed the point of no return and banished the thought of mess and concentrated on the event – I was taking a man I wanted to please so badly, into my ass. I was becoming a vessel for his pleasure. My job was to make him cum. To empty his balls into the condom that my guts were massaging. I took it all the way in and I pulled off, and then back down. What I did not expect or even think about, was how good it felt when his fat cock head pressed against my prostate. Oh fuck! Oh fuck! OH FUCK! my cock throbbed twitched and started shooting cum all over his chest. I was only about 75% hard. What the fuck just happened? His huge smile and laugh was nice to see – but a new fear overtook me. I was a bottom. I was a man who deeply enjoyed the feeling of another’s man’s dick inside me, fucking me, owning me, bitching me out…all the things I felt about the men I triumphantly fucked with my dick were now applied to me. What the fuck was I gonna do with this psychological mess? I didn’t want to be a bottom! I hopped off his still hard dick and said I couldn’t take anymore. I put my bottom fears in a box for later review and went to work eating my cum off of his chest while I took of the condom (It was clean!) and then gave him a blowjob with a zeal that I didn’t expect to have after cumming so hard – but I needed to make the aborted fuck up to him. I took every drop of his seed down my throat and fell asleep in his arms for 45 minutes. I didn’t want to discuss how it felt with him, I didn’t know what I wanted to admit to, but felt that I wanted to protect myself until I sorted out my feelings. I decided I couldn’t be a bottom. Never again. It felt too good. I can admit to strangers here that my homosexual side needs to be wrapped in being the top. I am not brave enough nor honest enough to be a bottom. Plus..wouldn’t my doctor know, during my annual prostate exam that my rectum had been wrecked a few times more than a married man’s should? We broke it off after a month – He didn’t want to be responsible for my emotional trauma over falling in love with a man. He was very wise. I do not mentally revisit that first & last fuck often – it is NOT in my spank bank. I do enjoy watching porn with masculine men getting fucked and loving it, I can identify with the top and the bottom. I know I am denying a lot, including myself or great pleasure. I’m just brave enough to be a coward.

Rob

8 thoughts on “Brave Enough To Be A Coward?

  1. You have written my story man! Only I got rid of my prejudices and I can truly enjoy a big fat cock in my ass.
    I am versatile and I have a friend with whom to enjoy fuck and being fucked. Surely I feel vulnerable, both of us do. But I cannot enjoy sex with a man if we don’t have that deep feeling of commitment and respect to each other. And that means we are truly friends.
    I have gone through a long quest for my masculinity. Being married to a woman and enjoying sex and companionship with a man, as well that with my wife is not an easy balance. I am glad I do feel totally masculine, completely at easy with myself.

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